Guilt

So, I was reading Seizing Dreams(夺梦-Duó Mèng) by Feitian Yexiang(非天夜翔) and I encounter this scene that made me feel extremely guilty.

Zhou Sheng asked Yu Hao: "Is you're old habit acting up again? You don't want to owe me? So if there comes a day where we can't continue any longer, it'll be easy for you when we break up?"

I could not help but think about my current relationship... (current because I still don't know if things already ended between us. ) and how I thought this exact same thing back then. I'm really afraid to owe him and even also worried about what will I do if I rely on him and we broke up.

I'm afraid, at first I thought that it was only natural--after all, I'm a single parent. I don't want you to burden yourself with supporting my children. But aside from that, there are voices inside me that I pretend to not exist--I don't want to owe you. And I don't believe that someone could actually endure a trash like me.

Reading this made me realize how important it was to accept yourself and know that you're worth it. Because that's the only way you will be able to accept the kindness, sincerity, and love from the people around you.

I have this weird habit that always makes me sound conceited: I always praise myself. I know it sounds boastful most of the time but it's the only way I could try to delude myself, even for a while, that I have some value and there must be something in me that's likable.

But at the end of the day, I still can't convince myself that I have worth, I still can't convince myself that someone could love me even if they saw how rotten I am inside.

I'm already this old but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. It's tiring. I just want someone who fully understands me to stay by my side but even I can't believe that someone will be. I'm afraid to be left behind... And in the end, I push them away. The funny thing was that, in the midst of pain, I feel relieved.

I don't understand myself... and that's my guilt.